You know how it is to be able to be in control of most everything and then be hit with a few things that you just absolutely can’t control? Yeah, that’s the last few days for me. Aside from a few things that have been difficult to deal with, my Type A mind can’t seem to wrap itself around the fact that things like running are just not getting any easier. OK- full disclosure, I’ve only been training for a half marathon for a few weeks but I expected better of myself than what’s been happening. Am I going further? Sure, a little bit. Do I see a little more endurance? Yes, but to me it’s not enough and it feels like no matter how hard I work, I just can’t get it to click. I’m busting my ass and feeling like I’m getting nowhere, giving it my all and not getting back what I am putting into it.
This brought me to another seemingly consistent issue in my life, overdelivering and under-receiving if that’s even a word. It’s a cold feeling, a smack in the face kind of like that first blast of icy winter wind when you psych yourself up to go out and train and get hit with that gust which makes you wonder why the hell you’re out there in the first place or who the hell thought it was a good idea to even get involved? (me, usually me, actually ALWAYS me)
I feel like the running is a symbol of other areas of my life- giving, pushing, dedicating my heart, delivering my all and though most of the time it seems balanced, there are other gaping holes that are just so glaring. It started me to think recently- why do I do it? Why do any of us do it? Why do we embark on things that are difficult, challenging, even heartbreaking at times? Why do we love the torture and pain it brings? And, what are we all getting from it? It’s easier to retreat, to go back, to dismiss and bow out all the time but that doesn’t make us whole. That doesn’t let us be who we are and who we are meant to become. That doesn’t let us reap the rewards when they come, and they always do come even if we have to be super patient which you know is not my strong suit at all.
I feel these days that perhaps we are always in training for something- a job, a life change, a new status, not just a run and it’s these hard times, the times we feel like we are going to fall apart and that it all means nothing, that we find out that we still are something and we can do everything. Does it suck in the meantime? You bet your ass it does. It hurts, it makes us cringe, but we cannot quit because what’s on the other side, when the time is right, will all be worth what you went through. So, this Thanksgiving, just like I will, go for an extra helping of guts to overcome whatever’s blocking you at the moment and when it’s all in the past, you’ll be better for it. TRUST.