Life shifts. Things change. Usually I am OK with traveling with the flow but to be perfectly honest, I never saw a divorce coming my way. Yet, here I sit, about 17 months through it since I got separated and as of late December, I was officially divorced. At 43, it is thoroughly scary and although I wanted it and it was really all me driving the process, there are moments where I am absolutely terrified. Why? A few reasons.
First off, I am now a single mom. I never saw that coming either- I have the most amazing 9 year old daughter and through the whole process she was really all I ever worried about. Thankfully she’s sailed through this just fine and has adjusted really well to the schedule. Things with my ex-husband weren’t such smooth sailing, in fact most of the time it was huge amounts of stress but it has subsided. I’ve always been financially strong and independent so I didn’t worry about money, until I wound up on the wrong side of the equation and actually had to be the one to pay out, and now I do worry about it.
What scares me now is what’s next? I feel beautifully liberated now which is great, but there’s an entire other side of me that wonders what will happen. Will someone love me again? Can I go through all of this again? Or what if I don’t, will I be OK just being ME with my friends and loved ones for which I am extremely grateful. At the end of the day, none of us have those answers but this is what we call life, the roller coaster ride in the dark that keeps us guessing, anticipating and surrendering to what IS. That’s what I’ve learned the most.
I’ve also learned, and I want to share, that if there is anything in your life that you don’t feel highly satisfied in, it’s never too late to change it. I’m not advocating splitting up! This could be with a friend who is dragging you down, or a job that you just cannot stand any longer, or any sort of situation that prevents you from living your most authentic life. We only get one shot, change is highly uncomfortable and as it happens, also very scary but if you hold on through the worst waters, the calm seas do come and you wind up on a completely different side of it than you ever could have predicted. Be bold and make the changes you know you need to make, whatever they are, to keep you at your highest self.
For anyone out there struggling with divorce, reach out to me at any time- firstname.lastname@example.org - venting and sharing stories truly does help through this difficult period and I’m here.